I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
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I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.