Lucky old June.
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Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.