Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
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Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.