I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
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I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Good advice.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
it was a valiant fight
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”