me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
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I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
groan^2
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*