EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
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My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
got so much cardio in today
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me trying to reach for my goals
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different