Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
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dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Yup.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.