Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
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Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Pass gas, not judgment.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.