My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
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5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.