if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
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*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
You can’t rush stupid.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death