“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
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My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
See..?
.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.