you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
You Might Also Like
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.