I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
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*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.