[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
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I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Me trying to “trust the process”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.