*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
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Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Just me?
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
inside you are two wolves
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
scared to check what name she chose
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
2022: I can fix it
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.