1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
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in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I’m crying im so happy for them
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.