I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
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Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.