If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
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ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
My love language is deader than Latin
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.