My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
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do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Every. Damn. Time.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.