me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
You Might Also Like
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
this is how life feels
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.