Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
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My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks