Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
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No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
hmm conte-me mais
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps