“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
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Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
damn he’s good
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.