Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
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She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes