dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
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HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.