if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
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me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Bless you
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.