“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
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How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
the way this pissed me off… 😭
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.