gentlemen, hear me out
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*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.