I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
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Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there