my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
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You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.