My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
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Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.