I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
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If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
every. time.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.