i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
You Might Also Like
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
When you’ve simply given up.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Trumpy Cat
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.