Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
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My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”