murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
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[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
they really do be looking like this
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody