“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
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1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.