[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
You Might Also Like
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Oh my god
The government even made aliens boring
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.