Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
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I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice