Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
You Might Also Like
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
scares
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
hmm conte-me mais
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD