me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
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Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.