gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
me after drinking all the wine:
Bartenders are just boneless bars
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.