age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
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ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
love it when they get my name right
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
THIS HEADLINE
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.