I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
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Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
No regrets in 2018
Pringles
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
#damn
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia