As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
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I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…