To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
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My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
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“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.