Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
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I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.