whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
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Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.