Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
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It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.