I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
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People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
just having fun
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.