I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
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Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat